No TV day two

Day two.
I worked again today. I feel like I'm cheating.
I called to check in during lunch time and Taylor had caved! "only for a minute" he claimed, but I reprimanded him and they turned it off.

Ex came over and fixed my computer tonight (he's a computer specialist) . I called him last week and asked him to. I quite surprised myself when I did it, but was even more surprised when he agreed, and came happily to do it. He actually started working on it last Sunday after he dropped off the girls. Then when he brought the girls home tonight, he stayed.
it was the most cordial two hours we've spent in the same room in 5 years. If it could just stay like this for the next 20 years then we could raise these girls so much better. A combined effort from both sides works so much better than the friction and contention that's lived among us for so long. We had some interesting conversation, and he even sat in the same room as Taylor without incident.

A dress and a haircut

Ali got her haircut today Isn't it cute? She really looks adorable with short hair!

Next door to the salon is a tiny little dress shop. I've known about it, but avoided the place due to the expensive prices.. I decided to run in and take a look while Ali had her feet up in the chair getting her hair washed.
I found it!
I found the perfect dress!
I actually found a few that I liked right away.
After her cut, I dragged her into the dressing room and had her try on 4 different dresses. Not that she complained!

She is SO beautiful! just look at those blue eyes!
she and I both loved this same dress, hooray! I dropped my credit card down on the counter ,blindly paid for the dress, and threw in a matching hair clip before I could think twice.
It will be worth it.
Its a sleeveless dress, but not immodest. so it will do. Ali siad it was "old school" i think thats her way of saying a little 'old fashioned'.. but ofcourse it has to sound cooler than that!
I'm so happy we found something so pretty and girlie. Now we've just got to get some new shoes! do you see those suckers she's wearing! believe it or not , they are pink!


I tried to get a picture of my ragamuffin a.k.a. Megan, but she is too busy at the moment sliding down the stairs in a large box. I'm pretending I don't know, so that 1-She will be self contained for 5 minutes and 2- I can post this in peace.....
She's been on one lately. Ms high maintenance 90210!

Mattie must be teething. grumpy little thing... He LOVES the door jam bouncer that my freind let us borrow.. Thanks Tausha!
Man! I've got the cutest stinkin kids!

Update: disclaimer: little bit of Jessica drama ahead.. read at your own will.

Ex's Dad will be doing the baptism.. somehow in the 3 days that my bishop talked to his bishop and had been told that he wasn't' 'worthy' yet to do it, the magic recommend fairy appeared and now there is apparently a pretty little letter from his bishop saying that his bishop is "pleasantly surprised at the progress he's making, and that he feels comfortable allowing him to do this" My Bishop was as surprised as I was. but It will be fine.

the other issue that we had was the matter of the luncheon. First thought was that we would just all go to the local chuck a rama. I worried about the two different families all trying to be together. The contention, and Ali having to 'choose' who she sat by so that she wouldn't hurt any one's feelings. There is no banquet room, and they will not set tables together on a Saturday, so we will all be at different tables throughout the restaurant.

My mom and I came up with another thought that maybe we'd just let them take the girls for a few hours afterwards, they could do the lunch thing and then we'd do something like dinner when they got back. I approached Ali with the idea, and it seemed like a relief to her, she loved the idea.
I approached EX with it........... he said that he'd need to talk to 'some people' about it first. tonight he called and informed me that he fully disagreed with the idea, and that we should be doing things together, like normal families do (uh brain check, We ARE divorced). I told him that Ali had liked the idea and he accused me of brainwashing her.. so i let Ali talk to him. I heard her say 4 times that she wanted to just do it separate. he got back to me and accused me again of brainwashing her and said "way to go Jessica!, way to teach our girls to separate the families!" he went on a few more minutes and I told him I wasn't going to fight about it, and that it was what she wanted, and I felt like it was the best plan. A few more minutes of his ranting then he hung up and I cried. He still does that to me 5 years later..I just don't get it.He Won't allow Taylor to have any part of the girls lives. Won't even allow them to acknowledge his family. He gets no part of her baptism. The girls aren't even allowed to show affection to Taylor in front of Ex. yet I'm accused of brainwashing her and "separating the families".Doesn't he realize yet that Taylor IS part of the family?

Am I being selfish? Am I just thinking about myself in this whole luncheon situation? I admit I was thinking about my own uncomfortableness, and fears, but I was also for seeing Ali and Taylor's feelings, hoping to avoid the drama for everyone. I thought that it was a good plan.

Am I just setting it up in my mind to be the horrible tense situation I imagine? or Am I going off of past history?

maybe it will go beautifully and everyone will be cordial to one another. I guess I will just have to see.

I am going to do my darndest to make it go well.

I will NOT make Ali feel like she has to choose.
I will make it work.

My Reality

This whole baptism thing is tearing my heart out.
I imagine what it would be like for a “normal” family to go through the process of getting their first child baptized. I imagine happiness, joy, pride, and all those happy joyous feelings. I imagine loads and loads of pictures taken with loved ones, and scrap booking the paper program filled with the names of loved ones who automatically assigned themselves parts because they wanted to show how much love and support they had for that child. I imagine a home filled with said loved ones afterwards, eating, and updating each other on their lives, while the giddy 8 year old, full of the spirit, runs around receiving hugs and thoughtful words from all those around her.
That’s what I imagine.
My reality……..
I am fighting my mind to not let this day mean too much to me.
Ex and Mostly Ex’s mother have, without a second thought to Ali, dominated the entire feeling, and plan for that day. They are dictating whatever they can get their hands on.
I got a call just a few hours ago from Ex’s mother for the third time in two days asking me every last detail including the number and name of my Bishop, so that she can call him. ..
Where we are going afterward,
Who’s doing what,
What she’s wearing, etc.
For any other normal family, this would be fine. Weird, (as she is the GRANDMA, and not the Mother) but not entirely abnormal to want to know what’s going on.
But in our situation it’s just about control.
She wants to BE the program, she wants to Do the brunch afterwards, she WILL dominate everything, and if she doesn’t get to, I will pay for it later. That’s how it all works for them.
Troy will not let Taylor have ANY part of it. Not even a prayer. He made sure I knew that months ago and reminded me again yesterday. He claims that even though Taylor is a major part of Ali’s life, Taylor is NOT her father, and never will be, and therefore has no right to be any part of this. His Father would do the baptism, the end.
I’ve resorted to letting the primary president plan the program so that I don’t get blamed for ‘choosing’. (Although Ex’s Mother, DID ask about the program and whether we got to plan it, and who was going to do things. So I don’t doubt for a second that she hasn’t already called the primary president to schedule into the plan whom , and what ever she wants.)
I’ve had a handful of phone conversations back and forth with my Bishop this last week. Concerning the baptism, and who will perform things.
My Bishop talked personally with Ex’s fathers bishop, and was informed that He [Ex’s father] did not in fact have the proper authority to baptize her. Yet, Ex’s mother and Ex have both claimed quite vehemently that He does, and will. How I don’t know... Troy also informed me that he would be standing in the (as he put it) “blessing circle”. I wonder if he’ll smoke a joint before he walks in the church just for giggles. (That is what he would have done 4 years ago. I don’t know if he’s changed, but from the smell of him occasionally, and the interesting comments I hear from the girls time to time. It doesn’t sound as if he has.
I shouldn’t talk like that. Its not my right to judge him.
When I told my Bishop that he had said that, he laughed, as if Troy were a few bricks short. He reminded me that it will not affect Ali for him to be in it, and in time it is his own condemnation, knowing that he is not worthy to stand there I guess that’s comforting.

My choice………..
To let it go.
All of those things I imagine.
Let it all go.
Remember that it is about Ali.
Pray that My Bishop will take care of things as they arise, including not letting someone not holding the authority baptize her. Hopefully dealing with any uproar that may happen. (Because I don’t know that I have the strength)
I will Smile when Ali looks my way. She will believe that I am happy, and I will be for her..
BE proud of her. KNOW that she is doing the right thing, even if they aren’t.
LOVE her. LOVE My family, and my friends, and the support that they are to me.
COMFORT Taylor, as he mourns the loss of his own dreams of baptizing her.
Get through the day in one piece and forever make it one of the most special days in Ali’s life.
She will Never know the drama behind it. Unless they destroy that.

Don’t judge me.
I know that I sound weak.
I know that I may seem a martyr
This all may seem trivial to someone ele, but to me, its not. It’s a milestone in our lives. It’s a realization to me, that I can never have the picture perfect moments I imagined.
I’ve dealt with these people for 8 years now. I know the limitations. I know the consequences of things .I know what they’re capable of, and I know the extent they will go to, to get their way, no matter who it hurts.
I know that when I look back on this in 5 years, if I let it go, it will not bother me like it is now. And That is why I choose to deal with it the way I am.
And I know Everyone thinks That if they were me, they’d
“not let them get away with it !!!” You may think that I can control more,
But until you’ve been in my shoes. Don’t judge. I only ask that you pray for me. Pray for Ali. Pray for Ex and his family.
Love us.
Support us.
Listen when I need to vent, because I’d rather vent to someone else, than to let it effect my little ones.
And know how much I appreciate it when you do.

Ali's play, and my new toy!

My Drama girl had her first big performance last night. Every Tuesday morning for months, she's gone to drama class before school learning how to sing, dance, and perfect her acting abilities, (which personally I thinks she's already perfected at home) and finally we got to see what all the practice has been for.
They put on the cutest performance of "caps for sale" a little singing and dancing number about Monkeys steeling the caps from peddlers. Ali was a peddler, and the very best of them of course! She was so incredibly fun to watch.
I was the epitome of proud momma sitting in the audience not taking my eyes off of her and beaming with pride at her every move. I had my camera all ready to take a million pictures, but of course the battery died after only 3 shots.. That camera sucks the life right out of batteries! Fortunately Taylor was in the back with the video camera. Oh did I happen to mention that Taylor and I made all the 'caps'? I volunteered to make them for the drama teacher, and forgot that I was working 12 hour shifts all weekend.....
My mom and Steph came, and the Ex and his parents were there, which makes any situation they share extremely uncomfortable. I'm glad for Ali’s sake that they are there for her, but as hard as I try, I just can't seem to not tremble in Ex's presence. I worry that at any moment he's going to go off on some irrational tirade. They sat on the other side of the auditorium, and because it was His night of the week Meg sat with them, and only ran across the room 3-4 times to give Mattie kisses.
After the Play, we went out to find Ali in the hallway. Steph had bought her flowers, which made her feel super special. (Yeah Steph)! It was really cute. She was so hyper jumping around and talking a mile a minute! I was so proud of her!
Anthony sat her down to film a quick little "interview" of her afterwards. She was so bubbly and cute about it. Ex came and stood with arms folded and toe tapping.. (Ex has a very large "I'm the ONLY Daddy" law.) So he wrapped it up. It still went relatively well between the two families. Ex Mother in law avoided me, which I have to admit was quite the relief. When Ali saw that we were all within close quarters together she got nervous and just started pointing at us all not quite sure what to do with herself. I felt bad that she was uncomfortable and thought I'd end it for her so I just smiled, kissed her, and told her how proud we were, then we excused ourselves and disappeared into the shadows.

Divorce..
I still feel whole-heartedly that I made the best decision for everyone when I left Ex, but I feel So much guilt over what those girls have to deal with for the rest of their lives. The stigma, the drama, the confusion… the loyalty… It’s so hard to watch and know that they have to struggle with those things. The only comfort I have is knowing that Taylor and I are providing them the healthy loving environment that they would not have if I had stayed. I pray everyday that we will have the stronger influence over them in their lives. That they will know right, from wrong. Truth from lies, and that we can instill in them the values that we hold.


OOOKAY… on a lighter note!
Yeah Me!
After the Show, Taylor and I went to Comp USA where I drilled the nice young computer savvy employee for 20 minutes (where I pretended to know what he was talking about) and carefully selected my "mothers day present"!
Taylor spent Hours upon Hours piecing together a computer for me last Christmas.. It was working out okay despite the lack of memory until it crashed a month and a half ago. I've had a few people asking for photo shoots and I've hesitated knowing that I wouldn’t be able to process them without a computer. I also decided that if I am going to get my photography side really going I've got to have something reliable, fast, and with the programs I need..
I wanted to get a laptop so that I wasn’t confined to one room while the kids were running around.. This way I can open it up wherever the kids may be, and get things done when its convenient. I'm feeling quite territorial about it too. I am trying to find a nice way to tell Taylor to keep his grubby hands off my shiny new EXPENSIVE piece of metal! I love him dearly, but the guy can't seem to touch anything without breaking it... its the disassembling OCD part of him.
Anyway, I'm really looking forward to playing with it! Wish me luck, and send me lots of computer friendly vibes.