A dress and a haircut

Ali got her haircut today Isn't it cute? She really looks adorable with short hair!

Next door to the salon is a tiny little dress shop. I've known about it, but avoided the place due to the expensive prices.. I decided to run in and take a look while Ali had her feet up in the chair getting her hair washed.
I found it!
I found the perfect dress!
I actually found a few that I liked right away.
After her cut, I dragged her into the dressing room and had her try on 4 different dresses. Not that she complained!

She is SO beautiful! just look at those blue eyes!
she and I both loved this same dress, hooray! I dropped my credit card down on the counter ,blindly paid for the dress, and threw in a matching hair clip before I could think twice.
It will be worth it.
Its a sleeveless dress, but not immodest. so it will do. Ali siad it was "old school" i think thats her way of saying a little 'old fashioned'.. but ofcourse it has to sound cooler than that!
I'm so happy we found something so pretty and girlie. Now we've just got to get some new shoes! do you see those suckers she's wearing! believe it or not , they are pink!


I tried to get a picture of my ragamuffin a.k.a. Megan, but she is too busy at the moment sliding down the stairs in a large box. I'm pretending I don't know, so that 1-She will be self contained for 5 minutes and 2- I can post this in peace.....
She's been on one lately. Ms high maintenance 90210!

Mattie must be teething. grumpy little thing... He LOVES the door jam bouncer that my freind let us borrow.. Thanks Tausha!
Man! I've got the cutest stinkin kids!

Update: disclaimer: little bit of Jessica drama ahead.. read at your own will.

Ex's Dad will be doing the baptism.. somehow in the 3 days that my bishop talked to his bishop and had been told that he wasn't' 'worthy' yet to do it, the magic recommend fairy appeared and now there is apparently a pretty little letter from his bishop saying that his bishop is "pleasantly surprised at the progress he's making, and that he feels comfortable allowing him to do this" My Bishop was as surprised as I was. but It will be fine.

the other issue that we had was the matter of the luncheon. First thought was that we would just all go to the local chuck a rama. I worried about the two different families all trying to be together. The contention, and Ali having to 'choose' who she sat by so that she wouldn't hurt any one's feelings. There is no banquet room, and they will not set tables together on a Saturday, so we will all be at different tables throughout the restaurant.

My mom and I came up with another thought that maybe we'd just let them take the girls for a few hours afterwards, they could do the lunch thing and then we'd do something like dinner when they got back. I approached Ali with the idea, and it seemed like a relief to her, she loved the idea.
I approached EX with it........... he said that he'd need to talk to 'some people' about it first. tonight he called and informed me that he fully disagreed with the idea, and that we should be doing things together, like normal families do (uh brain check, We ARE divorced). I told him that Ali had liked the idea and he accused me of brainwashing her.. so i let Ali talk to him. I heard her say 4 times that she wanted to just do it separate. he got back to me and accused me again of brainwashing her and said "way to go Jessica!, way to teach our girls to separate the families!" he went on a few more minutes and I told him I wasn't going to fight about it, and that it was what she wanted, and I felt like it was the best plan. A few more minutes of his ranting then he hung up and I cried. He still does that to me 5 years later..I just don't get it.He Won't allow Taylor to have any part of the girls lives. Won't even allow them to acknowledge his family. He gets no part of her baptism. The girls aren't even allowed to show affection to Taylor in front of Ex. yet I'm accused of brainwashing her and "separating the families".Doesn't he realize yet that Taylor IS part of the family?

Am I being selfish? Am I just thinking about myself in this whole luncheon situation? I admit I was thinking about my own uncomfortableness, and fears, but I was also for seeing Ali and Taylor's feelings, hoping to avoid the drama for everyone. I thought that it was a good plan.

Am I just setting it up in my mind to be the horrible tense situation I imagine? or Am I going off of past history?

maybe it will go beautifully and everyone will be cordial to one another. I guess I will just have to see.

I am going to do my darndest to make it go well.

I will NOT make Ali feel like she has to choose.
I will make it work.

My Reality

This whole baptism thing is tearing my heart out.
I imagine what it would be like for a “normal” family to go through the process of getting their first child baptized. I imagine happiness, joy, pride, and all those happy joyous feelings. I imagine loads and loads of pictures taken with loved ones, and scrap booking the paper program filled with the names of loved ones who automatically assigned themselves parts because they wanted to show how much love and support they had for that child. I imagine a home filled with said loved ones afterwards, eating, and updating each other on their lives, while the giddy 8 year old, full of the spirit, runs around receiving hugs and thoughtful words from all those around her.
That’s what I imagine.
My reality……..
I am fighting my mind to not let this day mean too much to me.
Ex and Mostly Ex’s mother have, without a second thought to Ali, dominated the entire feeling, and plan for that day. They are dictating whatever they can get their hands on.
I got a call just a few hours ago from Ex’s mother for the third time in two days asking me every last detail including the number and name of my Bishop, so that she can call him. ..
Where we are going afterward,
Who’s doing what,
What she’s wearing, etc.
For any other normal family, this would be fine. Weird, (as she is the GRANDMA, and not the Mother) but not entirely abnormal to want to know what’s going on.
But in our situation it’s just about control.
She wants to BE the program, she wants to Do the brunch afterwards, she WILL dominate everything, and if she doesn’t get to, I will pay for it later. That’s how it all works for them.
Troy will not let Taylor have ANY part of it. Not even a prayer. He made sure I knew that months ago and reminded me again yesterday. He claims that even though Taylor is a major part of Ali’s life, Taylor is NOT her father, and never will be, and therefore has no right to be any part of this. His Father would do the baptism, the end.
I’ve resorted to letting the primary president plan the program so that I don’t get blamed for ‘choosing’. (Although Ex’s Mother, DID ask about the program and whether we got to plan it, and who was going to do things. So I don’t doubt for a second that she hasn’t already called the primary president to schedule into the plan whom , and what ever she wants.)
I’ve had a handful of phone conversations back and forth with my Bishop this last week. Concerning the baptism, and who will perform things.
My Bishop talked personally with Ex’s fathers bishop, and was informed that He [Ex’s father] did not in fact have the proper authority to baptize her. Yet, Ex’s mother and Ex have both claimed quite vehemently that He does, and will. How I don’t know... Troy also informed me that he would be standing in the (as he put it) “blessing circle”. I wonder if he’ll smoke a joint before he walks in the church just for giggles. (That is what he would have done 4 years ago. I don’t know if he’s changed, but from the smell of him occasionally, and the interesting comments I hear from the girls time to time. It doesn’t sound as if he has.
I shouldn’t talk like that. Its not my right to judge him.
When I told my Bishop that he had said that, he laughed, as if Troy were a few bricks short. He reminded me that it will not affect Ali for him to be in it, and in time it is his own condemnation, knowing that he is not worthy to stand there I guess that’s comforting.

My choice………..
To let it go.
All of those things I imagine.
Let it all go.
Remember that it is about Ali.
Pray that My Bishop will take care of things as they arise, including not letting someone not holding the authority baptize her. Hopefully dealing with any uproar that may happen. (Because I don’t know that I have the strength)
I will Smile when Ali looks my way. She will believe that I am happy, and I will be for her..
BE proud of her. KNOW that she is doing the right thing, even if they aren’t.
LOVE her. LOVE My family, and my friends, and the support that they are to me.
COMFORT Taylor, as he mourns the loss of his own dreams of baptizing her.
Get through the day in one piece and forever make it one of the most special days in Ali’s life.
She will Never know the drama behind it. Unless they destroy that.

Don’t judge me.
I know that I sound weak.
I know that I may seem a martyr
This all may seem trivial to someone ele, but to me, its not. It’s a milestone in our lives. It’s a realization to me, that I can never have the picture perfect moments I imagined.
I’ve dealt with these people for 8 years now. I know the limitations. I know the consequences of things .I know what they’re capable of, and I know the extent they will go to, to get their way, no matter who it hurts.
I know that when I look back on this in 5 years, if I let it go, it will not bother me like it is now. And That is why I choose to deal with it the way I am.
And I know Everyone thinks That if they were me, they’d
“not let them get away with it !!!” You may think that I can control more,
But until you’ve been in my shoes. Don’t judge. I only ask that you pray for me. Pray for Ali. Pray for Ex and his family.
Love us.
Support us.
Listen when I need to vent, because I’d rather vent to someone else, than to let it effect my little ones.
And know how much I appreciate it when you do.

Babtism

I can't believe that Ali will be baptised in less than two weeks! I feel so old! I feel so proud.

she is SO excited. the other day we met with the primary president and the other little girl that will be baptised the same day. We planed the program and Ali got her little list of instructions and jumpsuit.

she was positively glowing when we walked out. It warms my heart, because I really feel like she can feel the spirit with her, and that it really does mean more to her than just "hey, I'm 8!, its time to get baptized!".

I thought back to when I was 8 and got baptised. I remember how I felt that day,and wondered if I felt the spirit back then.

I did.

I know I did, because I wasn't doing it for anyone else. My family wasn't in any way active in the church. My friends weren't either. It was me and me alone, who made the decision, who went to Sunday school, who felt it deep in my heart, and prayed on my own about it, even when I didn't know what I was praying for.

My mom always said that I was "born to be Mormon", and she said it sincerely, She said it without judgement.

When I was younger one of my favorite movies was Saturday's Warrior. I got my own copy of it when I was 15 and I still have it to this day. (my Kids love it)

I can still sing every word!

I loved that movie. I loved it because I could feel the spirit with me when I watched it. funny thing for a 15 year old.. it was something that helped me through rough times. I was typical emotional, trying to find myself teen, and one of the only things I KNEW, was that I believed in how I felt when I prayed, or when I watched that horribly tacky movie!

I'm so happy for Ali. Happy that she has an understanding of what it means, that she gets that opportunity, and that I get to watch her grow and learn spiritually. Its truly an amazing thing to feel close to our Heavenly Father.

Its an amazing feeling to know that he has a plan for us, and that we can live with him again someday.



UPDATE

Bishop Spiers just called to let me know that Ali's baptism might be postponed due to the fact that Ex's Father will not be ready (according to his bishop) to be able to bapstise her on the 2nd. I hate that Ex has the control to make it this way.

Bishop Spiers told me that it sounds like "his mother is calling the shots" and that its too bad that they don't think about Ali. Why won't they allow someone else to do it?

Taylor can do it! He wants SO badly to do it! He is broken hearted that Ex won't let him. Ex will never let it happen. He has too much anger, too much hatred.

I have to call Ex and talk to him about it...I am shaking like a leaf..
I told Bishop as much.
I fear the anger, the control, the irrational ranting. I have no choice. Bishop said that just the few times he dealt with Ex and 'his mother' was bad enough, and that they were "not nice people".
I wish someone else could do it.
Heavenly father, give me courage!

I can only pray for guidance, for strength.