My Reality

This whole baptism thing is tearing my heart out.
I imagine what it would be like for a “normal” family to go through the process of getting their first child baptized. I imagine happiness, joy, pride, and all those happy joyous feelings. I imagine loads and loads of pictures taken with loved ones, and scrap booking the paper program filled with the names of loved ones who automatically assigned themselves parts because they wanted to show how much love and support they had for that child. I imagine a home filled with said loved ones afterwards, eating, and updating each other on their lives, while the giddy 8 year old, full of the spirit, runs around receiving hugs and thoughtful words from all those around her.
That’s what I imagine.
My reality……..
I am fighting my mind to not let this day mean too much to me.
Ex and Mostly Ex’s mother have, without a second thought to Ali, dominated the entire feeling, and plan for that day. They are dictating whatever they can get their hands on.
I got a call just a few hours ago from Ex’s mother for the third time in two days asking me every last detail including the number and name of my Bishop, so that she can call him. ..
Where we are going afterward,
Who’s doing what,
What she’s wearing, etc.
For any other normal family, this would be fine. Weird, (as she is the GRANDMA, and not the Mother) but not entirely abnormal to want to know what’s going on.
But in our situation it’s just about control.
She wants to BE the program, she wants to Do the brunch afterwards, she WILL dominate everything, and if she doesn’t get to, I will pay for it later. That’s how it all works for them.
Troy will not let Taylor have ANY part of it. Not even a prayer. He made sure I knew that months ago and reminded me again yesterday. He claims that even though Taylor is a major part of Ali’s life, Taylor is NOT her father, and never will be, and therefore has no right to be any part of this. His Father would do the baptism, the end.
I’ve resorted to letting the primary president plan the program so that I don’t get blamed for ‘choosing’. (Although Ex’s Mother, DID ask about the program and whether we got to plan it, and who was going to do things. So I don’t doubt for a second that she hasn’t already called the primary president to schedule into the plan whom , and what ever she wants.)
I’ve had a handful of phone conversations back and forth with my Bishop this last week. Concerning the baptism, and who will perform things.
My Bishop talked personally with Ex’s fathers bishop, and was informed that He [Ex’s father] did not in fact have the proper authority to baptize her. Yet, Ex’s mother and Ex have both claimed quite vehemently that He does, and will. How I don’t know... Troy also informed me that he would be standing in the (as he put it) “blessing circle”. I wonder if he’ll smoke a joint before he walks in the church just for giggles. (That is what he would have done 4 years ago. I don’t know if he’s changed, but from the smell of him occasionally, and the interesting comments I hear from the girls time to time. It doesn’t sound as if he has.
I shouldn’t talk like that. Its not my right to judge him.
When I told my Bishop that he had said that, he laughed, as if Troy were a few bricks short. He reminded me that it will not affect Ali for him to be in it, and in time it is his own condemnation, knowing that he is not worthy to stand there I guess that’s comforting.

My choice………..
To let it go.
All of those things I imagine.
Let it all go.
Remember that it is about Ali.
Pray that My Bishop will take care of things as they arise, including not letting someone not holding the authority baptize her. Hopefully dealing with any uproar that may happen. (Because I don’t know that I have the strength)
I will Smile when Ali looks my way. She will believe that I am happy, and I will be for her..
BE proud of her. KNOW that she is doing the right thing, even if they aren’t.
LOVE her. LOVE My family, and my friends, and the support that they are to me.
COMFORT Taylor, as he mourns the loss of his own dreams of baptizing her.
Get through the day in one piece and forever make it one of the most special days in Ali’s life.
She will Never know the drama behind it. Unless they destroy that.

Don’t judge me.
I know that I sound weak.
I know that I may seem a martyr
This all may seem trivial to someone ele, but to me, its not. It’s a milestone in our lives. It’s a realization to me, that I can never have the picture perfect moments I imagined.
I’ve dealt with these people for 8 years now. I know the limitations. I know the consequences of things .I know what they’re capable of, and I know the extent they will go to, to get their way, no matter who it hurts.
I know that when I look back on this in 5 years, if I let it go, it will not bother me like it is now. And That is why I choose to deal with it the way I am.
And I know Everyone thinks That if they were me, they’d
“not let them get away with it !!!” You may think that I can control more,
But until you’ve been in my shoes. Don’t judge. I only ask that you pray for me. Pray for Ali. Pray for Ex and his family.
Love us.
Support us.
Listen when I need to vent, because I’d rather vent to someone else, than to let it effect my little ones.
And know how much I appreciate it when you do.