Hi my name is Jessica, and I'm a habitual overreactor

Yep, that’s me.
I am really good at making a mountain out of a molehill. The problem is that I can’t seem to see that it’s a molehill until whatever it is has passed. My Ex, my kids, my job, my body, my family, money, career, I agonize over the simplest thing. I stress, obsess, and worry over things that eventually work themselves out or seem trivial in the end. I worry about things that haven’t even happened. Things that could happen, (although the majority of my woes come from past history like my Ex’s behavior, or from working where I work in a children’s hospital, where I see every fluke accident you can imagine..) okay enough of that.
Now don’t start picturing me in your head ranting and raving like a lunatic. That’s not me at all.. You see I hold it all in, I sit and fret in silence. It lies in my stomach like an anvil. My head and neck droop, revealing the weight it carries. I’m a silent over reactor, that’s what I am.
Okay I take that back. I guess I’m not completely silent about it. I do my fair share of venting, just ask my friends. I’m also very good at fishing for reassurance. But I don’t let people know the half of what I am feeling, or what I worry about.. Silly me, they’d think I was Looney bins.
Why do you torture yourself they’d say? You’ve been through this before, they’d say. You’re going to be fine they’d say. And after a week or so, I’d have to agree with them. But for the time being my brain just needs its little drama fest to keep it operating.
Its part of my make-up, I am a worrywart
I call it Jessica Drama. Here’s a prime example……….. Everything turned out fine right? So why did I torment myself? That one was a prime example of history.
I’ve gotten much better through the years. Sometimes I can persuade myself to sit back, only letting the drama fester in my head at a minimum. Things that would have plagued me a few years ago, will now still torment me, but not to the degree it used to. In my head I can make sense of situations better than I used to. I can sit back and wait to see what happens. I have learned to pray, and to ask for comfort, strength, and for knowledge. To know that it, (whatever ‘it’ may be) will pass, and things will be okay.
I’ll conquer that mountain, and turn it into a molehill someday, I’m just sure of it!

UARS update and Photo shoot

Update: Went to the ENT yesterday..... I get to do THIS for two months. The other option is surgery, and I'm NOT interested in that option. Should be interesting.. If I can sleep with the darn thing on, then We'll see if it helps. (remember to click on highlighted words for links)

Picture Time!

I had a really fun photo shoot yesterday. A darling family who had just adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia two weeks ago. They were so fun to shoot, and you could just see the love that they have for their boys in every picture.

I tend to be a little on the animated side when it comes to shooting littles. It makes me wonder what the parents walk away thinking about my professionalism... Hey, if it gets a smile, then I've done my job!

Here are a few of my favorites.

Haven't had a chance to really go through all of them yet.

Thanksgiving point Gardens

We spent the day at Thanksgiving point in the Children's Garden . The kids loved the Noahs ark water fountain pool, and the fun hedge mazes kept them running around for quite awhile.
We had a nice little picnic on the sly too. (no food allowed in the gardens....)
It was a perfect way to beat the June heat.


Michie Ran in circles with Meg and Ali.
Love the polka dots!

As usual, doing cartwheels everywhere she goes! I was sure she was about to knock someone in the head!

Ali stops for a posed shot. I LOVED that red door!

Pretty little Emmee


Ali walked Mattie up and down in the water. He liked it as long as none of the big kids splashed him. Look at that chubba! And by the way, his hair is NOT red!!!

Meg splish splashing, and going under water. I couldnt get any pictures of her, because she wouldn't slow down long enough for me to get her! She loved it all.

Oli dodging water! She had a blast just dipping her toes in, and hanging off the water fountain. (literally)

Mattie all tuckered out. Thanks Aunt Angie for toting him around!!
She knows my arms need the break!

All in all, a fabulous day. Sunshine, Water, Friends!

Water Babies

My Kids LOVE water.
Megan is always sure to get a little extra on her lap at meal time so that she will get a bath. If there are sprinklers down the street and around the corner, Megan will find them.

Ali Loves to swim, and feels incredibly grown up because she can jump off the diving board.

and Mattie, will allow me to straighten up the Kitchen, but only when I fill the sink!

Baby L

A Few of My Favorites

My Photography Philosophy

When I was 12 , for Christmas, my Grandmother gave me a framed newspaper clipping. It seems a funny gift to give a 12 year old, but you see my Grandmother knew me.
. The picture; a soldier, tough and bold, his army fatigues fierce against his young daughter’s delicate sundress. The pained look on his face as his knelt to embrace her.
My Grandma knew that I would look at that picture and feel the emotion of those I had never met. That I would look at that photograph and really see and appreciate it for its meaning, for its history, for the love that a simple picture could show between father and daughter.. I still have that framed clipping prominently displayed in my home.
I Love photographs. I have always been able to look at a photograph and see what it held. The story, the memories, the emotion, the beauty. Capturing that moment in time.
Pictures to me are a historical journal of events, and feelings. I have never been a good writer, so for me, my photographs have been my journal, my memoir book, my past. Documenting moments in my life visually has been very important to me.
I spent years when my first two children were tiny going to one of those big chain store places. The pictures albeit adorable, were just staged generic smiles that seemed to be identical to the rest of the large photographs displayed on their walls. I was often disappointed with the limited selection of poses and high priced packages. I still think they’re sweet, but I am drawn more often to the snapshots that I’ve taken that really captured their true personality. The Real moments in their lives.
There are times in people’s lives that tell the story. Times that we want to hold on to forever. To look back and really feel that time, that emotion, that love. That is why I do it. I want to give people that visual journal. That real moment in time captured forever. And not by breaking their bank either.

9 Months

one month older, wiser, and a little bit fatter.

You're just loving those thighs aren't you?

Sleep

It’s been the bane of my existence since I can remember. I remember at a very young age lying in my bed at night staring at the ceiling. years later, I would lie awake at night kicking and swearing at my sheets in exhaustion.
Now in my adulthood, I still struggle with sleep. I spend many nights staring at the ceiling cursing the clock for ticking away time without slumber. I typically go to bed around 9:30-10, and wake up between 6-7 (not by choice). On a good night I get 7 hours of interupted sleep, but only when I’m sleeping with my best friend Ambien. Even then , I never feel rested. When my friend is not with me, I have nights like last night. Two hours. Two hours of disturbed slumber, and then I’m up and dragging /running through my day. The dog next door has insomnia too. He barks incessantly all night long. I lie there and wonder what would happen if I threw him a hotdog stuffed with benadryl.. Not that it would help me fall asleep any faster. My eyes start to droop, my mind slows down, my body relaxes (finally). I’m drifting into dreamland………… then baby wakes up screaming his little guts out. He knows….. I love and smoosh his fat cheeks as I nurse him and tuck him back into bed. I pray that he’ll fall back to sleep without a fuss. I fall back into my sheets to start all over again. Dog barking, Mind reeling, baby cries again.
Sleep sucks!
I want more of it.
My Dr decides that years of sleeplessness and fatigue warrants a sleep study..
Wires, glue, paste, strange bed.... but pitch darkness, silence, and no baby to wake me up if in fact I fall asleep.
Results? This, Upper Airway Resistant syndrome. Not quite sleep Apnea, but a definite loss of good sleep. The example I read describes it like breathing through a coffee straw.
Weird? Yes.. But hummm Maybe a solution in my future:? We’ll see. I have to see an ENT (that’s Ear Nose & Throat Dr. for you non-medical people) next week.
I’m a little excited about what it might feel like to actually feel refreshed when I get up in the morning. To actually have a real nights sleep. Being tired, from one or two bad nights of sleep is so much better than being fatigued, and tired from years of not really sleeping.
Here’s hoping for an easy solution. (That doesn’t involve big bulky masks poofing air into my nose)

Recital two

Ali's Gymnastic recital today.She did AWESOME!! You can't see me, but I'm there behind the camera beeming with pride.

She's a Level C already. I guess I shouldn't say already,she's been doing gymnastics for 3 years. She was really bummed because they had accidentally given us the wrong recital date. She was schedules in with the level B's. She cried a little, but After a little talk with the coaches, Ali was allowed to do Her routines when it was her turn.

The need for testosterone

Taylor wanted a boy. It’s plain to anyone that he is head over hills with the girls, but I know he wanted a boy . When the Radiology tech announced the sex of our baby, Taylor stood six inches from the screen with a grin that stretched from one side of his face to the other. I admit I was glad to know that the house wouldn’t be over run with estrogen too. I thought for a brief moment that I might miss the girly froo froo, the bows, the dresses, the shoes....
It only took one trip to babies’ r us to get me excited. Cute boy stuff everywhere and it wasn’t all “sports themed” either. You see that was my fear. I hate sports. I thought that having a boy, meant that you had to cover their walls in baseball stripes.
Growing up I was never a girly girl. I was a tomboy. I climbed trees, scraped my knees, had races up and down the street, I loved being outside, however I never played sports. I never liked watching sports. I didn’t date sporty guys. Baseball, soccer, basketball…..it’s just never held my interest. Not that I’m against them you see, its just that I have no interest. I was excited to find so many things to choose from, and I really liked the colors. Past the rows and rows of choices, I immediately picked out this one, and from there on my whole décor preference was centered on an auto/truck/tractor theme.
I also adore little cowboys. I think it’s my secret desire to live on the prairie and ride horses all day.
What I find interesting is Taylor’s need for Mattie to ‘be’ a boy. He hands him a car, a ball, or a plastic dinosaur instead of the baby toys he typically plays with. He takes him to Target and tells me how excited he was about the monster truck, or the roaring dinosaurs. He tells me they’re his favorite toys. I smile and when he leaves watch as Mattie contentedly picks up, and sucks on a random baby toy.

It’s interesting to see how different babies are from birth, and how much of that is really our own doing? Ali was a princess from the minute she could walk. She refused to wear anything but dresses for an entire year, and still to this day sleeps in the pinkest room you’ve ever seen covered in butterflies and fairies.. Was it that I assumed being a girl meant that she’d want everything pink and fancy?
With Meg I just let it happen She played with the toy cars her uncle gave her. She wore the old dress ups that Ali had grown up with. When asked her favorite color, she would recite every color of the rainbow. I didn’t paint her room until she was 3 and even then she didn’t really have a preference. She is the perfect combination of bug lovin tomboy, and Cinderella dressing princess.
I am not saying that showering Ali in pink made her a princess, or that not showering Meg in pink made her more of a tomboy. I just wonder what if any part we have in that, or if they were just born with their preferences.
If Taylor hands Mattie a ball 20 times a day, Will Mattie be into sports? If we keep dressing him in blue will his favorite color be blue? I think I’ll just sit back and see what happens. I’m sure Taylor will maintain that he loves the more masculine toys, but if he picks up a doll, I’ll just wait to see what he does with it.

Ikea again, and Recital one

Sevy and I went to Ikea again. This time without little ones (well, she had her youngest). We spent FOUR hours there and still didn't make it through the whole place! FOUR hours!
I think what I love about Ikea the most, are the showrooms. I Love that they put complete rooms together for us who have no interior design abilities! I just wish I had the thousand or so per room to complete the whole ensemble. They really think of everything down to the lighting!

After Ikea, We all jumped in the car and went to Megan's Gymnastic recital. She is SUCH a little tumbler! She LOVE "mastics" as she calls it. I think she loves the jumping, swinging, and bouncing off things more than anything. She's so fun to watch, no fear, and full of energy!


She LOVES it! Just look at her face!

After the recital we went to the Sevy's for some yummy BBQ. Taylor helped put up the new desk that she got for Jacob. Its really cool, I want one for myself!

When she grows up

Megan is practicing for her future career as a designer. She's already got her personal style too. Just look at this ensemble she put together to play ball with Taylor in.

Then she changes her mind about the whole designer thing, and decides that she's going to be a snail keeper when she grows up.... She practices by carrying this slimy little guy around with her for two days!
When the snail dries up
she decides shes much better suited to ride through puddles.

Megs Vocabulary words
"Kuprize" surprise
"Bezert" Dessert

Mattie tries corn on the cob for the first time. We think he liked it. It might be the whole "you touch my corn you die" look.



We went to the church to ride bikes the other day.
Ali picked this bike out for her birthday. She doesn't care that its a boy's bike. It's cool! And its really fast too!

don't forget to check out the latest pictures I uploaded to flikr

I Love this Kid

I love this Kid!
(Click on highlighted WORDSto play videoS)
BOING!

It's Raining its pouring...

when it rains, I get the incredible urge to curl up on my couch and read a book.
Its June 6th and its COLD! a whopping 49 degrees! We stayed tucked away inside most of the day, only venturing out to go get Ali from school. I remember the last day of school growing up and remember shorts and tank tops and sweating to death in the school with no air conditioning. Ali wore pants and a jacket today.
I probably should have taken some kind of cool rain picture while it was coming down.. I am so afraid of taking my camera out, that I've not really been practicing like I should. I don't really want it out around any of the kids, and now that I'm missing the lens cap (yep already!) I have it boarded up in my cabinet where the dust and fingers can't get to it. It's one of the most expensive items I've ever bought, and I'm being a little anal about anyone else touching it. My Dad gave me a camera bag today, so I will now be able to bring it out of its hole without having an anxiety attack. I just have to breath deep when anyone gets close to it! I'm going to the library this week to get some books on photography. I wish I were RICH, and could just up and move my family off to a school like this where my friends family member just graduated. He's got it all together, and only after 9 months! I'm so jealous! I wish I could just bleed all of his knowledge into my veins overnight so that I knew.
alright.
So, I am off to eat brownies, and ice cream, because now that the Baptism is over, I can stop pretending I'm on a diet.
Hope you're staying warm where you are.

Its Almost Over

School that is..
Ali's last day is tomorrow. I'm sad for the loss of consistency that school provides throughout the year. She's sad that she will not be seeing her friends everyday.
Its hard living on a street with no other children. We are the center of widow lane. Not literally of course, but all around us are either Old couples, childless couples (also old) and or families with only teenagers. The closest kid Megan's age is two blocks away, and the closest GIRL Ali's age is about 8 blocks away! It makes it very hard for them to spend time with their Friends.
We have to set it up in advance and arrange to get them here or there.
I can't just send them on their merry way like our mom's did when we were growing up. Its too scary out there. I don't even let them play in the front yard unless I have my eye on them.
anyway Half of their summer is spent with Ex and his Mother (mostly the latter), so that keeps them occupied for some of the time. Its lonely for us.
The last few years, Taylor and I have arranged our schedules so that we would work the time that they were away, and have our days off on the days that we had the girls with us. I tried to make our time filled with fun things and scheduled all kinds of outings for us to go and do. I fizzled a bit half way through last summer due to my protruding belly and the heat, but I think this year we'll be back in business..It will be a little harder this year with Mattie, , but Cherie our old daycare provider agreed to take him for some of the time this summer so that we could work the same days and still have time off with the girlies..
Check out the cool crafty 'G' I made for Ali's teacher. Her last name is Giles. This was her first year teaching so I knew she didn't have many 'personalized' gifts yet.. I thought a big fun G would be nice to put in her classroom.
I so attempted to be crafty! it was actually a complete accident that it even turned out the way it is.

Mattie loves Weston

Isn't it obvious?

Where did the day go?

What? 9:00 pm already? I think we just packed a week into one day! At least that's how I feel.
The Baptism finally arrived!
I was nervous waking up today. I said another prayer and jumped in to the process of getting everyone ready.
Dresses
Shoes
Hair do’s!
I was running around so much that I had little time to worry until we got to the Church. I had no idea how things were going to happen, who was going to be there, and what was going to be said.. I should have trusted that Heavenly Father had it all under control. Ali was absolutely radiant! Ex’s dad was very obviously nervous and throughout the baptism, but the spirit there was beautiful. Ali came up from the baptismal font beaming. Bursting with a warmth, and energy that only someone who has been baptized can explain. Ex’s dad said later that while she was sitting next to him waiting to be confirmed, she whispered to him “this is the best day of my life!"
Taylor was allowed to stand in the confirmation circle without any immediate repercussion, which made him feel good. I don’t know if I’ll pay for it later or not. I give EX credit for keeping himself in check the entire time. I do wonder if he feels bad that he couldn't have any part in it. I still don’t think that its reason enough for Taylor not to be able to.
Lunch afterwards albeit awkward, went fairly well. All of us, including Taylor’s family all sharing the same area, and some of us all on the same tables. It was odd to look over and see that Taylor’s dad was having a lengthy conversation with Ex’s mother and Father. I approached Ex afterwards. I mentioned that I thought it had all went really well, and thanked him for contributing to that success. I couldn't have been more relieved when it was time to leave the restaurant.
The most important thing today, was that Ali had a memorable, wonderful day.
I Hope that Ali always remembers today with a warm feeling, and a tender heart, and remembers the promises that she has made. I hope that she remembers all of the people who came from all directions to be there for her because they love her, and are proud of the little girl she is. Stay tuned for Pictures coming soon. I want to put together something first before posting them.
I hope that I can let some of my fear go too, so that when situations like this come up again (a.k.a. Megan’s baptism in 3 years) I can anticipate it with joy, and not stress like I have the past few months. Although I know from experience, that letting go of the fear, does NOT mean letting my guard down. I will hopefully be able to enjoy the experience better.
After lunch my Friend and her kids came back to our house to hang out and play. The kids had a great time tearing up the place while Megan and I were busy having some fun of our own with my new camera.
5 hours later, and a sleepover for Ali (Coryne of course) and its time to call it a night!
Thank you everyone for your love and support. Your comments have really meant a lot to me. I am so blessed to have you all in my life.


check out this picture that Megan took! isn it cool? And ofcourse we had to get the boys!!!

I Heart IKEA

My Friend Has been dying to go to the new IKEA store since it opened last week.
I've never looked through an IKEA catalog, and the brief exposure to advertisements and a bit online had convinced me that it was really not 'my style'.
I am more of a pottery barn girl at heart.
So when Megan wanted to go, I told her that I didn't much care for it, but that "I'd go along for the ride". we walked in and it only took me about 2 minutes of walking through the showroom before I was absolutely giddy!
Containers, hooks, organization stuff galore!! And it was cheap! A little piece of Heaven on Earth!
You wouldn't know it by the look of my house lately, but I can't stand when things don't have a place. I would be thrilled if everything in my house had a drawer, a bin, or a basket to throw it into and hide it away. I hate clutter.
I started a wish list and filled a bag full of things to purchase while Megan laughed at my "I'll go along for the ride". We spent a little over two hours there until the littles could handle no more.
needless to say, we're going back next week! this time without the kidlets!