My brain is working overtime.

Taylor worked a graveyard last night. With Megan sleeping soundly beside me in his spot, I lied awake my mind adamant on working overtime. I don’t know whether it was the copious amounts of caffeine I consumed yesterday or Insomnia that was to blame but I’m both tired and exhausted this morning from the work of not sleeping.
I’ve experienced many un-related yet connecting types of situations and events this past few weeks that have caused me to really reflect about my life. About what I have, and Not what I don’t have. About love, friendship and Faith. I want to write about them for myself only and this is where I’m choosing to keep it for now, (here on my blog) because this is my life.
Events that are shaping my life:
Custody. Fear. Doing what’s best.
Weeks ago my Ex informed me that he wanted to have the girls more often, demanding that we “throw away the old decree”, and start a new one giving him joint custody, as well as dissolving him from his child support obligation. Immediately I relapsed into the terrified, sobbing mess that for years was the norm in our relationship. I spent days crying, unable to eat, fearing the confrontation that was to ensue. I didn’t care about the child support. He could have it. My biggest fear was sitting across from him in a room knowing that he would beat me down as I turned into a coward in his presence. I did not want to lose the girls and I knew that they would not thrive on the inconsistency he was asking for. I consulted an attorney, and prayed fervently for days. As each day came and went, I became stronger again determined to keep the girls in the stability that they’ve known for the last 5 years. My attorney convinced me that although it was going to be a costly battle I stood very strong as likely victor of the situation. He punched the numbers and just as I have suspected for the past few years he has been paying me hundreds less than he should be. We had the Mediation scheduled for the following Monday and although I was terrified, I was ready to fight. A few days later he informed me that he needed more time to get things ready, and that he’d let me know when he would be available to get things going again. This was almost 4 weeks ago. It hasn’t come up since. Some people insist that it was my confidence or self-assurance that made him back down. I just don’t know. I’m still not entirely convinced that things are over. I still wonder what he has up his sleeve.
What if?
There is the story of the young couple who have been critically injured in a plane crash. They have 4 children under the age of 6 who are now in the care of their extended family as they struggle for their lives. The outcome is uncertain and I find myself wondering what would happen to us? Where would my children go? Who would raise them? It hurts me to think about. I try to force it from my mind but I can’t keep myself from reading the daily updates that the family posts, and it comes up again.
Loss and Comparisons.
My parents live in a cul-de-sac Last night everyone in the circle got together for a BBQ. Taylor was at work, and Ali was staying the night at Brookes (who coincidently as we know lives in the same circle) so Megan Mattie and I decided to crash their party. It was fun to sit around and chat with neighbors that I haven’t talked to for years. One, in particular a guy that I grew up with, just a year older than I am. He was there with his children. Earlier this summer his wife of 8 years died suddenly of a heart attack leaving him with three children to raise alone. He gets up at 4 in the morning each day to get his children off to school and daycare, goes to work for 8 hours and dives into his evening of baths, homework, and dinner. I was so moved at how much he’s taken on, and as he picked his two-year old up and snuggled him, it touched me. We talked about some of the others our age from back in the day. Girls I was so jealous of, boys I had crushes on. Where they are now, who married rich, who has great jobs, and then as he inquired about my life, I verbally revealed to him and to myself at that moment that I am happy. “Poor”, I say “ but Happy”. And I realize that this past few months have taught me so much about appreciating the things that I have. No, I did not marry rich. I married so much more.
So what I learned from this part of my life:
Faith. Appreciation. Love.
In my regular prayers I thank Heavenly father for the things that he has blessed me with. As I’ve prayed harder and more sincerely my list gets longer as if I’m being reminded of all those things I have that out way the trials in my life. . I feel like my faith has been strengthened by the comfort that I feel. I’ve realized that I’m stronger now, than I was 5 years ago during my divorce. It may not feel that way, but I am. I learned that I am a good mother, a consistency in their lives that they will always need. I learned that I have the strength to fight for them, and that they need me to do that. I learned that I can let go sometimes the things that hurt me. I am so grateful for our lives, for our health, for our home, for everything. I remind myself to live the day, and appreciate it. I have a beautiful family, healthy children, and caring husband whom I love to laugh with, a home that although sometimes feels that it is falling apart, is OURS, and it is full of the love and comfort that we’ve created. I have incredible friendships, and support around me. My children are young and eager. I am blessed with this time in our lives to hold them, and to watch them grow. I truly believe that we are given trials to help us to grow and to remember the good things in life. You can’t see it then, but its so much greater when you can.